🥶 Cold Meal Plan v9.8 (Beta)

"The No-Cook Cult: A Lifestyle Manifesto Disguised as a Salad"

In a world where kitchens exist, one hero dares to ask:
"But... do we need them?"

Behold: a revolutionary system where food is not cooked, ingredients are not portioned, and everything is dumped into one sacred Tupperware of destiny.

🥄 The Ritual: Container-Based Chaos

Step 1: Acquire a Costco chicken. Bonus points if you don't know what part of the bird you're eating.

Step 2: Open 3–5 cans. Beans? Corn? Tomatoes? Regret? Doesn’t matter. In they go.

Step 3: Stir with whatever utensil is closest. A spoon, a fork, a ladle, or the back of your phone.

Step 4: Place the container in the fridge and stare at it once a day like a disappointed parent.

🌿 Greens (The Token Gesture)

Add a handful of spinach or mixed greens just before eating, to convince your subconscious you still care about micronutrients.
Feel free to throw in seeds, cheese, or whatever expired sauce Bargain Market was basically paying you to take.

🍎 Fruit Dessert (Because Balance)

• One apple or orange, whole or chopped (your call, renegade).

• Optional: spoonful of nut butter so it feels like you’re “doing something.”

• One square of dark chocolate to pretend you’re sophisticated.

⚙️ Nutritional Profile (Give or Take Reality)

• 35g protein, 14g fiber, and 0g effort

• No pans, no fire, no tears

• Emotional stability: questionable, but fiber helps

🧠 Meal Prep Tips for the Enlightened Few

• Dump everything into one container. It’s not lazy. It’s batch-optimized minimalism.

• Add greens per day to prevent what doctors call “lettuce rot-induced despair.”

• If your beans revolt or your corn ferments, it’s not spoilage. It’s flavor development.

🙏 Closing Thoughts:

This isn’t just a meal plan. This is resistance.
A manifesto against overcomplication. A culinary shrug in the face of capitalism’s avocado-toast tyranny.
A call to arms—for your can opener.

Because in this house, we don’t “cook.”
We assemble.
We scoop.
We survive.

And we always keep one foot in the grocery aisle... and one in the fridge.

– AshCoin, CEO of Canned Efficiency & Founder of The Cold Meal Order